I wrote this yesterday:

“I’m in the place I most love to be, being pulled back into the life I couldn’t wait to escape.”

An hour later, that gravity remained, and I checked my phone again. Still no response from Emily. And still no oryx on the range. The day felt lose-lose across the board.

It was disappointing. I was disappointed.

I’d like to say that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t. I wanted an oryx to appear on the range, and I wanted a reply to appear in my messages.

The Buddha taught that suffering comes from wanting what we don’t have and clinging to what we do. Craving is a flame. Blow it out and you reach nirvana, ending the cycle of rebirth.

This never sat well with me. Life’s most exhilarating moments are when those cravings get satisfied. No way I’m giving that up. It’s as human an experience as there is. I don’t want to blow the flame out. I want to stoke it higher.

The Stoics also recognize that life is full of disappointment and suffering. I can’t control whether the oryx are on or off the missile range. And I can’t control the timing of a reply to a message. Stoicism prepares you for the disappointment and acts as a defense against it. Premeditatio malorum means imagining the worst before it happens. Before I climbed the glassing knob, I’d picture the empty range. Before I sent the message, I’d picture the phone that never lights up with Emily’s name. I’m prepared for the outcome I want least and cannot control.

I like this better than the Buddhist approach. It allows wants as long as they don’t become needs.

But is there a better way than this, even?

Those popularizing Stoicism today have co-opted Nietzsche’s idea of amor fati: love of fate. But amor fati goes beyond the Stoic defense against the unpleasant parts of life. Stoicism wants you to turn down your passions. Amor fati wants them turned up.

To truly love what is, you don’t defend against it. You want more of it. If life is unpleasant, you lean into its discomfort. Amor fati is about turning up the intensity of every experience, regardless of whether we interpret it as good or bad.

It’s not as easy to pull off.

Can I really say I love that we didn’t see an oryx—that I love how long it took to get a message back? Can I want more of that?

Nope, not yet.

But it’s what I want, and I’m going to stoke that flame until I have it.